Wordless Wednesday

Will The Real Solana Please Stand Up (or roll?)

I've been meaning to add this post for quite some time, but I've been busy. Ha! I had no idea that motherhood would be so trying. I have my moments of complete despair, but then she smiles, or giggles, or rolls, or makes a funny sound. And then it happens.. the names... the many names Leo and I have for Solana Aikens:

Solana, Sol, Monkey, Monk, Monkster, Monkeroonie, Sweat Pea, Peanut, Lovie, Bella, Sun, Sunshine, Mammie, Pookie, Poopie, Poo (I'm sure she'll apprciate that one day), Slober Puss, Smiley, Rollie, Angel, Devil, Porker, Sweetie, Sweetie Pie, Little Girl, Stinker, Stinkeroonie, and that's all I can remember right now.

So crazy how much life has changed. I don't even remember life before her, and it was only a little over three months ago. I don't remember what I worried about before, or what I was selfish about before, because motherhood makes you very selfless (I'm not sure if that's the right term, HA!)

My little monkey is growing so quickly. What a dollie. Wait!!!! Add that to the list!... Dollie.

Where's the monkey?

(WOW!!! When was she that little??)

Children See.... Children Do

Tonight I watched a public service announcement about children behaving the same way their parents do and it really hit home. Ever since Solana has come into my world I've done my best to think about her before acting. There have been so many decisions to make about her but also about myself. I have a daughter now... and EVERYTHING that I do affects her.

I've also recently come to the realization that somewhere along my way in my travel through life, I've lost my spunk. I used to not care. I used to stand up for myself, for my friends, and for my beliefs. I used to speak my mind, and not stand back and watch. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it changed. I got scared. I started to sit back. Stay quiet. Keep my opinions to myself. Became shy. Was walked on.

But this little girl... all 12 lbs of her has brought it back out in me. I know that I've posted about this before, but she really does bring the best out in me, and that best is everything that I used to be, just wiser.

I want Solana to have a strong back bone. To be loyal to her family and friends. To dream big and follow those dreams no matter what obstacles are in the way. I want her to not care about what others think, but to care about others. I want her to know how beautiful she is inside and out, but not think that she's better than the person standing next to her. I want her to accept others, for who they are not what they could be. I want her to love hard and have a caring heart. I want her to see the good in people, even if it's hidden under layers. But at the same time, I want her to know when it's time to walk away, and realize, "I've given my best".

She has grown so much in the last couple of weeks, rolling over BOTH WAYS, giggling, recognizing those who are most important in her life right now. Although sleeping is hard to come by these days, I don't care, because everything I do affects her. I can't be grumpy in the morning because I'm tired, because she will be too. It's as simple as that. This is where it starts, and I have to keep carrying the torch until she carries it herself.

Happy 3 months little girl. Mommy loves you!

How quickly we forget

Today I was reading a blog created by another mom. As she was talking about the "crying it out" theory (which as of the present, I do not believe in) she mentioned being put into the psych ward after doing 14 days of crying it out. This intrigued me so I went back into her blog during this time period in her life to read about it. She was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression a few months after her little one was born.



Before Solana, I just did not understand what post partum depression was. I mean, I understood that some mommies got it, but I just couldn't imagine what they could be thinking that would make them feel the way they do. Then I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, and it all made sense.



I don't have PPD, and I am grateful for that. But reading her blog made me realize how quickly I forgot how difficult it was. I always thought that once you are a mom, everything is great. No one EVER talked about the first few weeks. In one of my earlier posts, I talked about that first day in the hospital with her. How it wasn't love at first sight, until we made that connection. It was beautiful.


Once we arrived home, everything was wonderful. I was in a wonderland.


Then reality hit me...

She cried. A LOT. I hadn't slept in days, and I was scared. Scared that I wasn't doing it right. Scared that this little creature was depending on me, and I had no answers. I was getting "advice" from so many people, I didn't know which way to turn. Leo and family members were amazingly understanding but I was scared this wasn't going to stop. I constantly had an overwhelming sense of failure, that maybe I wasn't made to be a mother after all.

Then I cried for feeling guilty for feeling this way. For not holding her all the time. For wasting the first few days of her life because I was crying.

picture of one of our many sleepless, mommy and Solana crying, nights. Thank God for Leo!

Most of the crying came from breastfeeding. It wasn't working for us, but for some reason it was an obsession that I just couldn't get a hold of. I would DREAD night time. When the street lights would go on in the streets, the anxiety would begin. It's the sleep deprivation that does this to people, and I had NO idea that life as a new mom could be like this. I would never nap. They say to "nap when the baby naps" but I couldn't. I was constantly worried about her, and while she napped I read everything about babies, overwhelming myself even more. I started trying to get her on a schedule which was working, but the closer it came to time for her to eat, the anxiety would kick in.

It was scary when Leo went back to work. He was off for a week with us. Solana amazingly came on her due date, and Leo's first day of his holidays. I remember calling my mom crying when Leo worked his first night shift, leaving me home with her for the night. I just needed someone to hold her while got myself together. (I also called her over the day Solana decided to spray her poop all over the nursery as if she was a human sprinkler)

The crying did get worse. Babies cries peak at 6 weeks. When she was crying uncontrollably, and nothing I did soothed her, there would be times that I just had to put her down and walk away for a minute to breathe or I'd watch tv, swaying with her, pretending that I couldn't hear it. It kept me sane.

I think what helped the most is that I talked about it. I'm not one to keep things to myself (hence this blog), and I think for once, that may have been my saving grace. I talked to Leo, to certain family members, to friends. I just didn't understand how I didn't know that it was like this. I remember saying that you'd hear that someone had a baby and then 2 months later, they are in the mall and everything was perfect. You don't hear about the first few weeks.

Things slowly started getting better. I made the tremendously difficult decision to stop breastfeeding which led to Leo being able to help in the feeding department, started ignoring "advice" that I didn't need, and kept on talking about everything.

People always told me that everything gets better at three months. I HATED it when they said that, because I didn't believe them. But Solana is going to be 3 months next Sunday, and I can't believe how far we've come in so little time. Trying to feed her out of the cup, giving up breastfeeding, moving her into our bed, finding the right bottles, finding the right formula, getting her on a schedule, now crib training. My beautiful baby girl smiles, laughs, stares, tells me what she dreams about, and melts my heart every waking moment, and sleeping ones too.

Like I said... I don't have PPD, but now I understand. My heart goes out to each mom out there who has a colicy baby, or a reflux baby, or PPD, or single mom or anything of the sort that can make this time even more difficult than it was.

Now... I'm the mom in the mall... and everything is perfect.

In My Daughter's Eyes...

I still remember the quiet evening... sitting in my glider in the Solana's room, nursing her for one of the last times. I was staring at her, thinking about life, thinking "can I do this? Will I be a good mom? Will she always know how much I love her?" and this song came on the radio....

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me

gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough

It's giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light

It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes

I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy

she made me

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes

I've always wanted to be someone's mom... but I had no idea how I can love a little soul so much. I had no idea I had this much love in me. She makes me want to be a better person. I am different now because I know that she will always be looking at me, and everything I do will shape her to become the person she is.

My favourite line is, "When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me, For I'll be there in my daughter's eyes".

NOW I understand what Martina was talking about.

Solana... when you read this... know that mommy loves you with every piece of my soul. I'll hold your hand for a little while, but your heart forever. MUAH!

Crib Training...

Until this week, Solana has been cosleeping with Leo and I. I swore that I would never be the mom who brought her kids to bed with her. I don't mind it as babies, but I know too many mom's who say "train them now, because it won't end..." We purchased a beautiful bassinet... Solana wanted nothing to do with it.

So, after picking up our winnings from Sears because of Solana's punctual attendance into our world, we decided to stock up on monitors that would put us at ease. The first is the oh so famous AngelCare monitor that alarms if baby stops breathing, and the other is a video monitor, that let's me watch her while she sleeps.

After setting it up, and getting the crib sleep ready, we made the big move. I was sad to not have her sleeping beside me but I knew it was time for her to have her own space. I felt like we were the ones waking her up all night long. She is constantly fidgeting, looking for her chooch.

I fell asleep watching the monitor rather than watching the tv...

Night #1... Solana slept from 9 till 11, had a bottle, back down till 4am... REFUSED to go back to sleep... after an hour of inconsolable crying, I brought her back to bed with me. She fell asleep. So did I.

Night #2... Solana slept from 9 till 11, had a bottle, back down till 12, then till 1, then till 2... then inconsolable crying. I said to myself "nope, I am NOT going to bring her back to bed with me". 3 hours later. I brought her back to bed with me.

Night #3... Solana slepft from 10 till 4:30 am!!!! (Notice I left out the last bottle, but rather made her last bottle fuller) Had a bottle, then from 5am till 8:30!!!

Now that's a sleeping beauty!!!! I was soooo proud of her! Now I know this may not happen again, but at least I had a good nights rest, and we know what it should look like.

Night #4... Tonight she's been sleeping in her crib since 9pm.. it's now midnight... let's keep our fingers crossed...

Diamonds are a girls best friend!

My baby is growing soooo fast! It's been quite a while since I've updated my blog and her first year journal. Daily I've been coming up with different ideas of what to write about, but at the end of the day, when life calms down, I just don't have the thrive to write.

Well, I just could not pass up on this one...

We got our little girls ears pierced!

Now I know this is a touchy subject to some. A lot of people think it's terrible to do this to such a little girl. It all comes down to tradition on this one. My Nonna Franca (my mom's mom) pierced my ears when I was two months old (and that included a needle and string) so I wanted to pass this down to Solana. Leo wanted to buy his little princess her first diamonds so since he had to work my mom and I headed to People's Jewellers to pick out her first diamonds from daddy.

I was really nervous to do this. In one sense I wanted to follow tradition, plus I would MUCH rather her go through it when she's young, not able to pull on them and not remembering the pain. On the other hand, I was not looking forward to her reaction. As I mentioned in my last blog, she just got her 2 month shots, so I knew it would be similar.

Waiting for the big moment...

After some infants tylenol, orajel to numb her ears, and much coversation about which diamonds would look best, we went for it.

Mom held her bottle, while I held her close to me. The ladies took their positions and 1.... 2... 3!

Wow! That was no cry... that was a scream! I consoled her, and gave her a bottle and within minutes, she was smiling!

She looks absolutely gorgeous! Of course, I think she already did, but my little girl has just tranformed from my little monkey, to my little princess... BLING BLING!

Mommy and Solana: Before

Mommy and Solana: After

Later on that night

Now I MIGHT have to bring her in to get her left ear redone because it isn't centered (one of the drawbacks of doing both ears at once). We'll see...

NOTE TO SELF: When I read this a year from now, or when Solana does when she is older, I need to remember my moms reaction to it all. She has often admitted that when she looks at Solana she thinks she's looking at me. I catch her calling herself "mommy" sometimes too. You'd think I'd be annoyed by all this, but I'm not. It's sweet being able to watch them treat her the way I'm sure they did to me. Well at the piercing, she soooo badly wanted to hold her. From the moment we got there, to wanting Solana to be on her lap, and comforting her afterwards. I had to explain to her, that this is a moment in her life that she needs mommy. LOL! Too cute!