The reason I write...

is for you.

I went to Gram's funeral today. And afterwards, Auntie Alicia, a few friends, and I spent many hours together... and then I came home.

It was a beautiful ceremony. I always knew how beautiful of a woman Gram was, but after today I wondered... what will people say of me when it is my turn to pass on to heaven, how do people view who I am as a spirit.

As I was feeding your last bottle of the night at 11:30 pm, I wonder, if I passed tomorrow, would you remember me. Would you remember the the way you wrapped your tiny fingers around my own. Would you know how I watch every movement of your tiny being so often and stare at you in disbelief that this tiny little miracle is my own.... You cried for a few minutes as if you waited for me to come home so you could wrap those sweet fingers around my own, waiting for me to pick you up and hold you close and feed you in my arms... and as I did I loved every inch of your soul.

Would you remember the way I hold you when you are scared. Would you remember the way that I pick you up when you are crying. Would you remember the songs that I sing to you, and the times I try to eat your toes, and the way I would give you Eskimo kisses or tussle my hair in your face to make you giggle. Would you remember the way that I try with all my might and being to take every single possible inch of your pain or sadness out of you when you are so little and just need to yell. Would you remember how I would laugh at your smile, and the smirk in your laugh.

I watch you grasp at my hands and wonder will you forever know how terribly I love you. As I am writing this, tears swell out of my eyes because I know as a new mother, I often feel rash and nervous and scared and frustrated, and then there are times like this where I watch you reach for my hand and feel the intense love that I have for you... that a mother has for a child... and I wonder.. if I went tomorrow... would she remember?

I listened to the service today about Gram, and realized, that nothing in the world matters except to make the people that matter to me most KNOW how much I love them. How much my life only matters as long as they know how MUCH I love them.

And I will start with you. Baby girl, I can only write it so many times but I LOVE YOU. One day, I will move on to another world, where I will reunite with those that we love, but know, that no matter how old I am, whether it be tomorrow or 80 years from now, at this moment in time, my heart is forever with yours. That you are my heart. And you are my soul. And I will ALWAYS be with you.... whether or not you can wrap you tiny hands around mine.... or I wrap my wrinkled hands around yours... you are my heart and you have my soul.

Forever and always baby girl.... Mommy loves you.

Heaven has opened its arms...

Your Auntie's Gram was a wonderful gentle soul. She has a heart of gold and I was a very lucky person to have known a part of her. I believe that your Auntie has Grams' heart. She first told me about her on a road trip that we once took together and after meeting "Gram", I knew in my heart that Auntie Alicia was the one for your Uncle Dave.

I just want you to know, that even though you most likely will not remember this amazing woman, that she thought you were such a "Bella" and cared about you. She will forever be your cousin Dallas' guardian angel, and I'm sure she will be keeping an eye on you too.

I've never in my life met someone with such amazing "life advice" as Gram... she would just say these amazing things, that would make anyone think twice about how they view life. She was an amazing hugger, and always made everyone around her feel the love that she has in her.

I remember the day that you were playing in her arms and she was telling a story about how she was so loved by so many people, that maybe that is why she doesn't know how to hate, because she was so loved... well I hope that when you grow old, you feel the same way Solana. Mommy (and so many more) loves you Unconditionally.

Until we meet again Gram....

Slumber Party!

It just worked out better for me to let you sleep. You looked so comfy snoozing away in Nana's playpen so the decision was made. Daddy was working nights, and it was too late at night, so I would stay with you there so you had a good nights rest. Those have been far between since the Teething Monster has been visiting. (And I call it that instead of what I want to call it, since considering this is a book to you, I'm keeping that in mind)

I sat up with Nana and Nono, reading a magazine, as they sat watching the nightly news. We talked about you and the fun that they had with you. We talked about me going back to work soon (sniff sniff) and we talked about Nono's birthday coming up. Reading this, it must sound so boring, but what I haven't mentioned was this was the first time I was spending the night at 'home' since Daddy and I got married.

Nana gave me a pair of her pj's (yikes!) and she gave you a bottle as I lay in my old bed. We talked about how much you've grown, and how crazy it is how quickly life changes.

After Nana put you back down in your play pen, she tucked me in and left the room saying "Sona con los angelitos". That's right, at 29 years old this woman who I have come to admire after all these years, still tucked her daughter in for the night as if she just did it yesterday.

I layed in my old bed, surrounded by memories. The pictures frames of highschool days; the degrees and diplomas hanging on the wall (I'm going to paying for those pieces of paper until I'm old and grey); the coo-coo clock on the wall from my weekend in Germany (remind me to tell you about Baden-Baden, but only when you're old enough); the photos of the Greek Isles that I framed to remind me that I needed to travel there one day (and I promise I will); the piles and piles of VHS movies that I used to watch after my night shifts at a hotel or when I just needed a good chick flick for a good cry; and the bookshelf full of novels that I read everynight before going to sleep.

As I lay there, looking around at the smallest objects that meant nothing to a stranger but a million memories to me, I came across my old bulletin board with pictures of daddy and I from when we first started dating. And it all hit me... this is where I drifted off to sleep every night. This is where I would drift off to dream land, dreaming and wishing for a future EXACTLY as I have right now. What I've always wanted most in life was a family to love and as I was thinking all this, I peeked over the bed, and there you were, breathing softly, and I'm sure dreaming wonderful dreams.

I lay back in bed, taking out the novel that I brought with me from 'our home' and started to read... just as I did for many years before...

At 7am, you decided it was play time and I decided it wasn't... ha! We cuddled in mommy's old bed, as I sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to you, and we both drifted off to sleep together... at some point, I heard Nono peeking into my room, to make sure that we were okay, just like he always did. An hour later, we both woke up to Nana trying to take a picture of us (of course she couldn't figure out how to work the camera and snapped open the shades because there wasn't enough light... like THAT wasn't going to wake us up! Ha!).

We all ate breakfast together including you. And talked about what the day was going to bring, just like we used to. When it was time for your morning nap, we headed home to daddy so we could all snuggle in bed together. Before I left, Nana and Nono made sure to tell me that my bed is always there waiting for me, and deep down I know they loved their night, just as much as I did.

It was a great night, and a great morning, and it made me think about where I've come from, where I've been, and how happy I am to be where I am now. As for what our future brings...my dream and wish for you is that as you grow up and and as you move on, no matter where life takes you, no matter where you find yourself, you will always know that mommy wants you to come home so I can tuck you in for one more night too, just like I always have...

Sona con los angelitos Solana