December!

Wow! What a special month this month is!

It started off amazing with your baptism and first party in your honour! You'd think it being December 20th, we'd of course be very excited for your first Christmas, but we have one small occassion to celebrate first. The BIRTH OF BABY DALLAS!!!!!!!!

Auntie Alicia and Uncle Dave will be headed to the hospital tomorrow morning to bring your very first cousin into the world. I have a very strong feeling that the two of you will be best of friends. Besides, with all of Uncle Dave's teasing, you'll have to practice what you've learned on somebody!

Then... in just a few day, Santa Clause will come to visit you for the very first time! What a wonderful life!

Aunts and Uncles!

LUCKY GIRL! You have two sets of those too!

Auntie Julia and Uncle Mitch live out of town. When they come into town, Auntie Julia will spend the whole night with you when she can. Not even Grandma or Grandpa can pry you out of her hands!

Uncle Mitch will be the one to take you 4 wheeling, fishing, and all the other fun stuff. He is always happy to make special trips out of town to bring you wipes and diapers! Now if you can only train him to bring you diamonds too we'll be set!

Auntie Alicia will be the one that you tell all your secrets to. The secrets you don't want mommy to know! Your smiles for her are smiles that you give to no other.

Uncle Dave is your protector and life long teaser. He can't go 30 seconds without squeezing your cheeks, or letting you feel what "cold" feels like. Mommy gets mad at him all the time for startling you. Just like he used to always tell me growing up... it'll make you stronger. ha!

Grandma's and Grandpa's

You have two sets.

We've named them Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Nono.

You can name them whatever you want when your sounds turn into words.

Now. Obviously, Daddy and I love you very very much. You are the center of our universe. But one thing that you need to realize is that you are the center of theirs too. You are so loved baby girl.

You have a very special relationship with Grandpa. No one calms you the way he does. The two of you can sit in that chair all day long, napping, watching t.v, or chatting away.

Grandma is the lady you tell all your stories to. You chat about your future, and all the amazing things you'll do together.

You and Nono thoroughly enjoy "Walking Chair", where you'll travel in your seated position on Nono's chest as he walks around the house chanting his rhyme, showing you all the interesting things you love to look at.

Nana mistakes you for me. I'll often catch her calling you Sonia, as if you were her little girl. She will not let you go out of her sight without you flashing "Nana's smile" for her, and you love every second of it.

You are a spoiled little girl. And I love it!

Baptism

December 6th - Your Baptism Day!


What an amazing day. Daddy and I planned your whole routine/scheadule out the night before... what time should we wake you? What time will your first bottle be at? When should we get you dressed? What time should you nap. This was all so very important considering you HAD TO NAP before we left for the church. That was VERY IMPORTANT.

But... of course... you don't care what we have planned... you are Solana, and you decide the scheadule for the day...hahaha!

You slept untill 7:30am and threw off the whole day. That meant that nap time was to occur EXACTLY 1 hour before mass began and chances are that meant NO NAP! Ahhhhh...

Nana and Nono, Grandma and Grandpa, you aunts and uncles came over and the picture taking began. You looked so beautiful in your outfit that Nana and Nono bought you. On our way to the church you fell asleep for five minutes. But even so you amazed all of us.

You stole everyone's hearts that day. Not a peep came through your mouth, except for the raspberries that you just learned to blow. Eventually you became restless and I brought you to the back so you can fuss it out in the bathroom while I put you to sleep. Too bad it was time to baptise you.. Now THAT was embarrasing... walking back in while all eyes were on us.

You were MESMERIZED by the priest. You loved every second of it, even as the water was being poured over your head.

After chuch, we all headed to the restaurant where we were surrounded by every one we loved. Daddy and I haven't been in the same room with all these people at once since our wedding day. It was amazing. You fell asleep for about 20 minutes, and smiled all day.

We finally got home at about 4:30pm and you had your bottle and went to bed for the night. It was beautiful! You looked beautiful, and once again, you amaze me every day!

I love you baby girl!

Wordless Wednesday

The Wake Up Call

Solana has been doing so great with her sleeping. We finally have figured out how to get her on a scheadule that really helps her to sleep well. It's been over a month and the challenge of getting her to fall back to sleep in her crib at 5am is nearly impossible. She just fusses and cries for at least an hour and sometimes has no intention of falling back asleep. So, I scoop her up, and bring her to bed with me.

I've learned how to sleep with her better. Instead of sleeping with her lying across me, she now sleeps between Leo and I. She has her own space.
Yesterday, I got the best wake up call I could dream of. My beautiful Sol was snapping my bracelet to wake me up.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my bracelet before, but in 4 and a half months, I've never take it off. It started off as a breastfeeding tool, and then turned into a reminder of that special bond we carried for those INSANE 6 weeks. Now it has turned to my link to her. I CAN'T take it off. The day that bracelet snaps on me, I will cry. No doubt about it.

So, back to yesterday morning.

Daddy fell asleep on the couch downstairs after his night shift. He was supposed to come get you out of bed with me at 7:30am. At 9:30 I felt "tick, tick, tick"... When I opened my eyes, there you were, shining that beautiful gummy smile on me, and pulling on my bracelet... tick tick tick. As if to say "wake up mommy". I opened one eye at a time. Smiled my toothy smile back at you, scooped you up and flew you around like an airplane. Can I ask for a better wake up call? I think not.

This morning, when 5am hit and you refused to go back to sleep, I brought you to bed and you layed calmly between Daddy and I. You stared at him, then you stared at me, then back at him. You took your precious little hand, rested it on his chest, cuddled up real close and went to sleep. I think my heart sprayed out of my toes. I never knew that I could love so much. Daddy and Solana. My perfect world.

I love you baby girl.

Eyelashes

You were born with 6 of them. 3 on each eyelid. I remember staring at them in the hospital, the first days when we first became a family. 6 of them. I remember thinking to myself... "hmmm.. only 6... I wonder why only 6. I wonder if she'll get more. If she has any Dorazio blood in her, she should have more."

One day, when I wasn't looking you decided to sprout the rest. BANG! There they were! A million eyelashes.

Now I stare at them every day.

And tonight like every night, I kiss them goodnight, over and over, until those beautiful eyelashes stop fluttering, and you're dreaming with the angels.

I wonder when it'll be appropriate to teach you about mascara? hmmmm...

and now there's calm...

My baby girl is 4 months old! How did this come to be? I remember when you were 6 weeks old, and we started our Kanga Bounce exercise class (very short lived), I looked at the four month old babies and thought "wow, they're old". I think at the time I was in denial that you would get that big. And here we are.

The supportive new moms in my world were often reminding me that at three months things will get so much easier, that the first three months were about survival. Well it was about survival all right (an understatement) but it didn't stop there. Three months came and went, and things were still tough. But then the magic happened. As we approached the four month mark together as a family, we were able to see the light (and our pillows more often).

You has started sleeping longer stretches. We've found a daily routine of feeds and naps. Daddy and I have figured out a workable system so we both get enough sleep. And you have continued to develop such an amazing personality.

There are so many little quirks that Daddy and I just adore about you.

• You fall asleep with a chooch in your mouth, but as soon as you're done with it, you spit it out and shape your lips into the most adorable little squiggle and smack them together. My gummy girl is practicing for when you're turns 80 years old.


• When you roll in your crib, and get "stuck" in a corner, you'll call for us to come and "save" you. I just love how when you hear our voice, or our footsteps getting near, you'll stop, as if to say "okay, you heard me".


• Daddy's favourite is your kicking legs and feet to show your excitement. That's usually followed by a squeal of delight, and our hearts pore out of our fingers and toes.


• The way you toss and turn your head to find a comfortable spot as you go to sleep for the night in your crib. But you do it so quickly, not even giving yourself enough time to see if that's The Spot.
  

• How Sophie the Giraffe and the bars in your crib are your bestest friends in the world.

• When you finally fall asleep in our arms for a nap, and we are courageous enough to put you down in your playpen, you'll all of a sudden open your eyes, flap your arms, give us a huge gummy smile, as if to say "HA!!! Gotcha!"
  
• How you only like to see either mom or dads face when we greet you in your car seat in the truck (if anyone says hello before us, you get PISSED!)

• You like to put your feet up, whether on a table when you're sitting in my lap, or on the toy bar on your bouncy chair.

It has only been four months. FOUR MONTHS! Daddy and I talked about this just yesterday. Four months ago, you were shell shocked (and so were we). A diaper was a foreign object. A onesie was torture. So many faces, and blurry objects. And now, you pick up toys in amazement. You recognize peoples faces who love you the most. You go to people when they put their hands out to you (except your mother, but we'll keep working on that), you're doing crunches daily to learn to sit up (you're going to have a six pack in no time). It amazes me each and every day how quickly you are transforming.

The holidays are coming up and we have so much to look forward to. You watched your first Santa Clause Parade (even though you fell asleep as the first float approached, but woke up for Jolly St. Nick) and we just can't wait to introduce you to him for your first picture (maybe you can ask him for the coffee pot that mommy really wants?) I can't wait to pull you around the neighbourhood in a sled, stay up late with you on Christmas Eve (maybe we can make it to 8pm!) and wake up with you on Christmas morning!

With such fun times ahead, we're also so very excited for your upcoming Baptism, and possibly most exciting of all, the birth of your cousin Dallas!

Happy Four Months Birthday baby girl!

Mommy Loves You♥

everything

Dear Solana,

Tonight, as Nana was feeding you your Goodnight Bottle, and I cut your finger nails, I looked at her and said "I love being a mom. I found what my purpose in life is. I don't want to do anything except be with her, and love her, and watch her grow, and love her some more".

You are everything that I need. I have everything, because I have you.

Love Mum.

Dear Solana,

Dear Solana,

It's almost 11pm and yet another day is coming to an end. I feel like so many changes have happened in the last few weeks, for the both of us. For example, I have figured out a system between you and I that allows me to take a shower before 5pm; I've learned how to make lists of things to do (although adding to the list is much easier than striking things off of it); I've firmly spoken to a customer service agent, threatening to take away our phone business, where in the past I would ever so kindly say "please"; and I've come to love tea again, just as I did during those first nights when it's already four a.m and we still haven't slept. Daddy and I have come full circle, and now make an excellent team. We should start a teamwork seminar on how to bath, feed, and put baby to sleep, all while preparing bottles and diaper bag for the next day at the same time.

And you have changed too. So many first still continue to occur that a pace that I still think is unbelievable. You are a rolling over queen, you LOVE to tell stories especially about what you dreamed about the night before, you've discovered how to pull the bone in your rocking chair (you shocked the hell out of everyone at Sunday Dinner, when all of a sudden we hear "de de deee de dum dum dum" as we all look down, and you're smiling as if to say "HA!!!"). But my most favourite is that you very easily transformed into a Chick Monkey on your very first Hallowe'en!


After Daddy and I got you dressed we started our "Monkey Tour". First stop was Grandma and Grandpa Aikens where we discovered your first ever Jack O' Lantern, next was Nona and Mundo's house where you were introduced to the Italian version of Hallowe'en candy (a box of cookies), next was Gino and Tracy's where you discovered that yes it is okay to BBQ in negative temperatures, next was Nana and Nono Dorazio's where you discovered that it is possible to say goodbye at the entrance way and not forced to be shown something interesting, and our final stop was at Uncle Dave and Auntie Leash's where I'm sure you and Baby Dallas had a chance to catch up through real world/utero discussions. You were adorable, and soooo good. It took you quite awhile to fall asleep but worth every photo.

Above all, it's your personality that has developed that makes my heart melt every day. Things I've learned about you:

• You have officially made friends with the crib slates as blocking your legs from going through brings you complete devastation.


• You like holding up your own bottle, although you need some help when it's a bit full.
  
• You sleep differently for mommy and daddy. Mommy rocks you and sings her lullabies, while daddy shushes you to sleep.


• You can't decide if you want to laugh or cry sometimes, and it's hilarious watching you make the decision.
  
• You have different smiles for different reasons. The "GOOD MORNING" smile, "I love you too" smirk are our favourites.


• You love flying through the sky, and have learned to eat mom's nose when I give you Mommy Kisses.


• You appreciate the ring of formula around your mouth after every feeding since you love sticking your hand in it before mom can wipe it off.
  
• You HATE having shirts pulled over your head. You just might miss something in that one millisecond that you can't see!


• You look for mommy when you're around someone that you don't see often.
  
• You Love to burp now, and have learned the art of Secret Poops.





• You love mommy and Solana time, listening to Sarah MacLachlan before we go to bed.

I love you more today than I did yesterday and know I'll love you more tomorrow.

My heart still skips a beat when I see you and Daddy napping together, and I miss you so terribly when you are away from me.

During your sleep overs, I find myself constantly waking to look at the monitor, having to remind myself that you are bringing love to one of your grandparents homes instead. My heart is bigger with you in it, my voice is stronger because it's your voice too.

I love you baby girl. Sona con los angelitos (Dream with the angels).

Love, Mummy

Wordless Wednesday

Will The Real Solana Please Stand Up (or roll?)

I've been meaning to add this post for quite some time, but I've been busy. Ha! I had no idea that motherhood would be so trying. I have my moments of complete despair, but then she smiles, or giggles, or rolls, or makes a funny sound. And then it happens.. the names... the many names Leo and I have for Solana Aikens:

Solana, Sol, Monkey, Monk, Monkster, Monkeroonie, Sweat Pea, Peanut, Lovie, Bella, Sun, Sunshine, Mammie, Pookie, Poopie, Poo (I'm sure she'll apprciate that one day), Slober Puss, Smiley, Rollie, Angel, Devil, Porker, Sweetie, Sweetie Pie, Little Girl, Stinker, Stinkeroonie, and that's all I can remember right now.

So crazy how much life has changed. I don't even remember life before her, and it was only a little over three months ago. I don't remember what I worried about before, or what I was selfish about before, because motherhood makes you very selfless (I'm not sure if that's the right term, HA!)

My little monkey is growing so quickly. What a dollie. Wait!!!! Add that to the list!... Dollie.

Where's the monkey?

(WOW!!! When was she that little??)

Children See.... Children Do

Tonight I watched a public service announcement about children behaving the same way their parents do and it really hit home. Ever since Solana has come into my world I've done my best to think about her before acting. There have been so many decisions to make about her but also about myself. I have a daughter now... and EVERYTHING that I do affects her.

I've also recently come to the realization that somewhere along my way in my travel through life, I've lost my spunk. I used to not care. I used to stand up for myself, for my friends, and for my beliefs. I used to speak my mind, and not stand back and watch. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but it changed. I got scared. I started to sit back. Stay quiet. Keep my opinions to myself. Became shy. Was walked on.

But this little girl... all 12 lbs of her has brought it back out in me. I know that I've posted about this before, but she really does bring the best out in me, and that best is everything that I used to be, just wiser.

I want Solana to have a strong back bone. To be loyal to her family and friends. To dream big and follow those dreams no matter what obstacles are in the way. I want her to not care about what others think, but to care about others. I want her to know how beautiful she is inside and out, but not think that she's better than the person standing next to her. I want her to accept others, for who they are not what they could be. I want her to love hard and have a caring heart. I want her to see the good in people, even if it's hidden under layers. But at the same time, I want her to know when it's time to walk away, and realize, "I've given my best".

She has grown so much in the last couple of weeks, rolling over BOTH WAYS, giggling, recognizing those who are most important in her life right now. Although sleeping is hard to come by these days, I don't care, because everything I do affects her. I can't be grumpy in the morning because I'm tired, because she will be too. It's as simple as that. This is where it starts, and I have to keep carrying the torch until she carries it herself.

Happy 3 months little girl. Mommy loves you!

How quickly we forget

Today I was reading a blog created by another mom. As she was talking about the "crying it out" theory (which as of the present, I do not believe in) she mentioned being put into the psych ward after doing 14 days of crying it out. This intrigued me so I went back into her blog during this time period in her life to read about it. She was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression a few months after her little one was born.



Before Solana, I just did not understand what post partum depression was. I mean, I understood that some mommies got it, but I just couldn't imagine what they could be thinking that would make them feel the way they do. Then I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, and it all made sense.



I don't have PPD, and I am grateful for that. But reading her blog made me realize how quickly I forgot how difficult it was. I always thought that once you are a mom, everything is great. No one EVER talked about the first few weeks. In one of my earlier posts, I talked about that first day in the hospital with her. How it wasn't love at first sight, until we made that connection. It was beautiful.


Once we arrived home, everything was wonderful. I was in a wonderland.


Then reality hit me...

She cried. A LOT. I hadn't slept in days, and I was scared. Scared that I wasn't doing it right. Scared that this little creature was depending on me, and I had no answers. I was getting "advice" from so many people, I didn't know which way to turn. Leo and family members were amazingly understanding but I was scared this wasn't going to stop. I constantly had an overwhelming sense of failure, that maybe I wasn't made to be a mother after all.

Then I cried for feeling guilty for feeling this way. For not holding her all the time. For wasting the first few days of her life because I was crying.

picture of one of our many sleepless, mommy and Solana crying, nights. Thank God for Leo!

Most of the crying came from breastfeeding. It wasn't working for us, but for some reason it was an obsession that I just couldn't get a hold of. I would DREAD night time. When the street lights would go on in the streets, the anxiety would begin. It's the sleep deprivation that does this to people, and I had NO idea that life as a new mom could be like this. I would never nap. They say to "nap when the baby naps" but I couldn't. I was constantly worried about her, and while she napped I read everything about babies, overwhelming myself even more. I started trying to get her on a schedule which was working, but the closer it came to time for her to eat, the anxiety would kick in.

It was scary when Leo went back to work. He was off for a week with us. Solana amazingly came on her due date, and Leo's first day of his holidays. I remember calling my mom crying when Leo worked his first night shift, leaving me home with her for the night. I just needed someone to hold her while got myself together. (I also called her over the day Solana decided to spray her poop all over the nursery as if she was a human sprinkler)

The crying did get worse. Babies cries peak at 6 weeks. When she was crying uncontrollably, and nothing I did soothed her, there would be times that I just had to put her down and walk away for a minute to breathe or I'd watch tv, swaying with her, pretending that I couldn't hear it. It kept me sane.

I think what helped the most is that I talked about it. I'm not one to keep things to myself (hence this blog), and I think for once, that may have been my saving grace. I talked to Leo, to certain family members, to friends. I just didn't understand how I didn't know that it was like this. I remember saying that you'd hear that someone had a baby and then 2 months later, they are in the mall and everything was perfect. You don't hear about the first few weeks.

Things slowly started getting better. I made the tremendously difficult decision to stop breastfeeding which led to Leo being able to help in the feeding department, started ignoring "advice" that I didn't need, and kept on talking about everything.

People always told me that everything gets better at three months. I HATED it when they said that, because I didn't believe them. But Solana is going to be 3 months next Sunday, and I can't believe how far we've come in so little time. Trying to feed her out of the cup, giving up breastfeeding, moving her into our bed, finding the right bottles, finding the right formula, getting her on a schedule, now crib training. My beautiful baby girl smiles, laughs, stares, tells me what she dreams about, and melts my heart every waking moment, and sleeping ones too.

Like I said... I don't have PPD, but now I understand. My heart goes out to each mom out there who has a colicy baby, or a reflux baby, or PPD, or single mom or anything of the sort that can make this time even more difficult than it was.

Now... I'm the mom in the mall... and everything is perfect.

In My Daughter's Eyes...

I still remember the quiet evening... sitting in my glider in the Solana's room, nursing her for one of the last times. I was staring at her, thinking about life, thinking "can I do this? Will I be a good mom? Will she always know how much I love her?" and this song came on the radio....

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero

I am strong and wise and I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me

gives me strength when I am weak

I find reason to believe In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough

It's giving more when you feel like giving up

I've seen the light

It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes

I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be

Though she'll grow and someday leave

Maybe raise a family

When I'm gone I hope you see how happy

she made me

For I'll be there

In my daughter's eyes

I've always wanted to be someone's mom... but I had no idea how I can love a little soul so much. I had no idea I had this much love in me. She makes me want to be a better person. I am different now because I know that she will always be looking at me, and everything I do will shape her to become the person she is.

My favourite line is, "When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me, For I'll be there in my daughter's eyes".

NOW I understand what Martina was talking about.

Solana... when you read this... know that mommy loves you with every piece of my soul. I'll hold your hand for a little while, but your heart forever. MUAH!