The reason I write...

is for you.

I went to Gram's funeral today. And afterwards, Auntie Alicia, a few friends, and I spent many hours together... and then I came home.

It was a beautiful ceremony. I always knew how beautiful of a woman Gram was, but after today I wondered... what will people say of me when it is my turn to pass on to heaven, how do people view who I am as a spirit.

As I was feeding your last bottle of the night at 11:30 pm, I wonder, if I passed tomorrow, would you remember me. Would you remember the the way you wrapped your tiny fingers around my own. Would you know how I watch every movement of your tiny being so often and stare at you in disbelief that this tiny little miracle is my own.... You cried for a few minutes as if you waited for me to come home so you could wrap those sweet fingers around my own, waiting for me to pick you up and hold you close and feed you in my arms... and as I did I loved every inch of your soul.

Would you remember the way I hold you when you are scared. Would you remember the way that I pick you up when you are crying. Would you remember the songs that I sing to you, and the times I try to eat your toes, and the way I would give you Eskimo kisses or tussle my hair in your face to make you giggle. Would you remember the way that I try with all my might and being to take every single possible inch of your pain or sadness out of you when you are so little and just need to yell. Would you remember how I would laugh at your smile, and the smirk in your laugh.

I watch you grasp at my hands and wonder will you forever know how terribly I love you. As I am writing this, tears swell out of my eyes because I know as a new mother, I often feel rash and nervous and scared and frustrated, and then there are times like this where I watch you reach for my hand and feel the intense love that I have for you... that a mother has for a child... and I wonder.. if I went tomorrow... would she remember?

I listened to the service today about Gram, and realized, that nothing in the world matters except to make the people that matter to me most KNOW how much I love them. How much my life only matters as long as they know how MUCH I love them.

And I will start with you. Baby girl, I can only write it so many times but I LOVE YOU. One day, I will move on to another world, where I will reunite with those that we love, but know, that no matter how old I am, whether it be tomorrow or 80 years from now, at this moment in time, my heart is forever with yours. That you are my heart. And you are my soul. And I will ALWAYS be with you.... whether or not you can wrap you tiny hands around mine.... or I wrap my wrinkled hands around yours... you are my heart and you have my soul.

Forever and always baby girl.... Mommy loves you.